Rewriting the lessons you never should have learned
Munir Shah, MA, LMHC.
We are often told to focus on the ideal when making choices in life. Be a compassionate person when faced with difficulty, be great, take the high road. We can get stuck, trying to agonize over how to do things right in life, how to solve our problems in the most enlightened way. Instead of asking “What would Jesus do?” or looking to some idealized version of wisdom, try flipping the whole idea on its head.
Think about the person who taught you the worst lessons you ever absorbed. The bully who made you shrink. The parent who couldn’t love you the way you needed. The ex who chipped away at your confidence. The person whose behavior still echoes in your choices, your fears, your reactions. The one who modeled exactly how not to live.
Pick your bully, your awful parent, your ex, your abuser, the person who taught you how to feel or do or think terrible things. The person who was your worst example of how to do things in life. Ask yourself what would that person do, then after dwelling on that awfulness, do the opposite. How would they respond in this moment or towards this thing you are feeling stuck with? How would they solve the problem you are having?
Sit with the discomfort of that answer. Let yourself feel the weight of their patterns, their limitations, their harm. Notice how their way of doing things shows up in you—maybe in your defensiveness, your avoidance, your self‑criticism, your urge to shut down or lash out. Notice how automatic it can feel, like muscle memory you never asked for.
And then—do the opposite.
If they would have yelled, choose calm.
If they would have run, choose presence.
If they would have lied, choose honesty.
If they would have belittled, choose compassion.
If they would have shut down, choose curiosity.
If they would have made everything about them, choose connection.
If they would have remained stuck, choose action.
Every time you choose differently, you’re not just avoiding their mistakes—you’re building a version of yourself that they never had the capacity to be. You’re becoming the person you needed back then. Choosing how not to be is often easier to access than an idealized version of ourselves.
You don’t have to know the perfect thing to do. You just have to know what not to repeat.